Misstep Affection
by chickenaut
Summary: Tali indecisiveness about renegon Shepard frustration


Okay, another silly...hmm maybe I'm used too much 'silly' word... another story from ridiculous writer, a continuation of 'Reluctant Warrior'. Nothing much I could say about it expect the usual. One thing sure that this was also an attempt to fill Bioware notorious nature to create plothole, so there was a chance that this will create another hole, so you will be judge. Previous rule apply. My Thanks to skeasel for betaread, and for the reviewer of my last writing ('interview with the geth'), to Inverness: yess.. without citation I considered this as personal opinion without scientific fact. What I write comes from I read, it's cognitive science 101, the base of AI development. Emotion is necessary for sentient. Your opinion not make any sense because today AI could be describe as sentient if classified by your parameter (turing test debacle). but hey I'm not here to convince you, if you want to argue you picked the wrong avenue, and I seriously don't care about your opinion beside the writing itself. To smashbrawlguy: another nonsense... keep up the good work? To SergiusTheGreat" I'm glad you enjoyed my writing. So this is it, please read!

* * *

**Misstep Affection**

Just like any captain in the System's Alliance navy, Shepard loved to inspect his ship, the Normandy. He believed that in order to have a successful mission, his crew remained professional. He needed to know what his crew was capable of, and if he could push them to the limits. If he could mold them into the best unit, then he would have easier time to do the mission at hand : to hunt Saren.

To push to the limits of his crew, Shepard implemented the strictest order on his ship. Shepard was well known for his low tolerance for his crew's failure, but what the others didn't know was that Shepard had an even lower tolerance for his own failure. If one of his crew died, then he considered that a failure. Normandy's crew could really taste his 'reign of terror' after Jenkins died under Shepard's watch.

Shepard's usual inspection was to question every crew member he met. This questioning, however, was more like interrogation rather than query or casual chat. It was a way for Shepard to get to know his crew better, but never reveal anything about himself. For Shepard, if he somehow hinted that he had some compassion, then the consequences would be dire. He hated himself if someone died because of him, and if that someone was a civilian, then he felt even more guilty. He knew that he was a bad luck charm for anyone that became attached emotionally to him. Every path he walked, death was everywhere. The easy way to reject everyone was for him to be the most hated person possible.

This facade was tested when he met Liara. He had a feeling that this would not be an easy task. With the Prothean's messages embedded in his mind as clues to find Saren, he needed to block his deepest thoughts or Liara might discover them. He didn't know if the attempt worked, until he had a conversation with Liara while the Normandy en route to Virmire for another mission.

"I looked into your history. I know what you did on Torfan. I cannot even imagine how horrible that must have been, but you did what had to be done."

Liara said it with concern, something that Shepard didn't expect. His instinct told Shepard that there was more that Liara wanted to say.

"Now you're digging into my past? Invading my privacy?" He asked.

By then, Liara had explained herself, which Shepard judged was not convincing enough. Her words seemed to dance around Shepard assumption. Shepard wondered what Liara wanted to tell him. She should know at least that Shepard was a direct person. He preferred it when others were blunt. Shepard suspected that Liara was withholding something from him, but decided to remain patient and see what she had to say.

"But what about us, Shepard? Is there a mutual attraction? Or was I wrong about that, too?"

Shepard's mind raced and he asked himself why his facade failed. He was trying dig into his recent memory: when he let her join his squad on Noveria, when he met Liara for the first time and she read his mind, every conversation he had with Liara, anything. Then Shepard realized it didn't matter. He needed to resolve it the way he knew best.

"What are you trying to do Liara? Do you think you know me well enough to ask this? Do you think that tentacle hair of yours could suck my mind in to yours? Or did your great scientific analysis come up with this conclusion? I will say it straight to you! You are not on a holiday cruise! We are fighting a war and you chose to come along. So stop playing soldier and man up because llives are at stake! This is not a romance vid!"

Liara was trying to hold back her tears."I'm... I'm sorry Commander. I will not mentioned this again.I... I need to go somewhere else... "

"Go!"

Liara could not hold her tears in anymore and ran through the infirmary. Dr Chakwas watched this event and she looked at Shepard as he came out of the lab.

"What?" Shepard asked Dr. Chakwas and then he barked an order. "Get back to work!"

* * *

_Ten minutes after the incident_

For Liara this was the most humiliating moment of her life. She didn't expect Shepard's response to be so brutal. She once thought if she were going to be rejected then it would not be as severe as this. She knew that Shepard carried fathomless feelings of sadness, a compelling enough reason to reach out to Shepard. She thought that the commander attitude came from the incredible stress he was under. It was understandable that he lashed out to everyone else, but she had missing something in this assumption.

Shepard's pain could not be describe with words anymore. Liara was driven to know where the feelings of pain came from. After the melding, she felt such sorrow, only able to stem the flow of her tears with difficulty. She didn't want to look weak in front of the commander so she always found a reason to excuse herself. In the Normandy's bathroom stall she tried to control her emotion, to channel the melding residue, but this time the emotion came from within.

Right now Liara could not hide her crying. She didn't care anymore if someone found out about it. She was just frustrated that her attempt to relieve Shepard had failed. She thought that if she convinced Shepard to love, then he could find peace. However she realized that Shepard was a lost cause. He would die alone, suffering, with no one close to him. The end of the galaxy's savior would be tragic, and she could not do anything to change it.

As Liara continue to cry, she heard a knock on her bathroom stall door. It was Tali.

"Are you okay? I'm here if you want to talk."

Liara was trying to cease her weeping and show her brave face as she opened the door.

"I'm okay Tali, it's nothing."

"Oh not that again. You don't have to hide if the Commander scolded you or Chief Williams screamed at you."

"You knew?"

"Well, you are not the only one. Look, we are in the same situation. If you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm yours."

Liara started to shed her tears again while Tali tried to console her.

"You know, it's easier to talk about it. I assume that this is about the Commander, since Chief's training has not started yet."

"He told me that I'm not serious about all of this."

"Yeah...I know the feeling. He lashed out on me about that too on Feros. He thought that I'm not acting like a real soldier."

"It's not about that...I...I just confessed my love to him."

Tali just stood there, unable to continue the conversation. It stunned Liara.

"Tali...Tali?"

"I didn't...So what's happened?"

"He flat out rejected me."

Liara watched Tali's body relax. It intrigued Liara.

"You seemed relieved."

"I... What are you talking about?"

"Don't tell me, you have feelings for the Commander too."

"I...I'm not... I don't... I don't know..." Tali's voice grew sad.

"Is that why you never abandoned him? Is that why you always look at him from afar?"

"Liara... Behind that rough exterior, he just a poor soul. The poorest soul I know. If I became involved with him, and if he actually accepted it, the end would be bleak for me and the commander. It will make him even sadder."

As Liara listened to Tali's confession, she found something wrong. Then she remembered an impression from when she melded with Shepard's mind. Liara could remember a low voice, in a deepest, darkest thoughts of Shepard's mind. It was Tali's sad voice - the same voice she heard now. Liara thought that Shepard's peace was no longer a lost cause anymore. There was still chance, even it was dimmed. Liara could help Shepard, even if it would cost her love, for she knew there was a greater love for him.

Liara held Tali's hand and provided encouragement, "No... You must don't do that, follow your heart Tali. I'm sure he's waiting for you."

"Are you mad? You even tasted Shepard's should knewknow that love is no longer in the Commander's heart."

"But you don't know that if you don't reach him, and you still love him if that's true. Do you want your heart to be sick for not knowing it?"

"I just want Shepard to have a clear mind, that his attempts to help people will not be in vain. If I need to sacrifice my love, then so be it."

Tali released Liara's hand and left with a powerless pace.

* * *

_Virmire a day later_

A mission on Virmire was the most dreaded mission that Shepard could have. The signs of misfortune were everywhere. The intel was scarce, even the most experienced of the salarian's Special Task Group had difficulties acquiring it. Shepard doubted the famous salarian capabilities on intelligence gathering. There was also dissension among his men, and Shepard thought that it had happened in the STG too. They were alone without reinforcement because some civilian politician on the Citadel Council somehow intervened, bypassing the chain of command, and his unit ended up paying the price for their stupidity.

All Shepard's early preparation seemed worthless. The only way to continue the mission was to reduce his own unit's weaknesses to level playing field. First he needed to end the dissension. All non-System Alliance navy members would be scrutinized. Shepard had jumped through hoops so he could control his forces. Then he needed to coordinate his force with the STG's. This was where the complication began. From the conversation with his counterpart, Captain Kirahee, the commander worried about teamwork between his unit and the STG. He realized that if he was going to survive the mission, he needed to figure out how to solve this.

He must give up one of his men to coordinate between these 2 groups. Lieutenant Alenko and Chief Williams volunteered to do the job. Chief Williams was very eager to do the task, and she had extensive experience dealing with the aliens on Shepard's team. There was one weakness though, she never had an alien as her leader. Her attitude toward the navy leader was also exacerbated her family's background. The only leaders that could utilize her was him as far as Shepard knew. Lieutenant Alenko would be the perfect choice, for he had more experience dealing with aliens. His cool head was a plus.

The commander gave his approval to the lieutenant despite Chief Williams previous concern. As the lieutenant said farewell to his commander and Chief Williams, Captain Kirahee gave a fiery speech to boost his unit's morale. Shepard was responsible for a team that was named shadow. He chose Tali and Wrex as his squadmates. Shepard convinced himself that this was the most logical choice, for they would facing a horde of geth and krogan clones, but he questioned whether or not this was the most logical decision he could make. Shepard thought that Wrex's vengeance could endanger the mission,but this problem was not as grave as bringing Tali along.

He didn't know if the decision was from his head or from his heart. Tali's insistence to bring her along was also not helping Shepard's unsettled feelings. He needed to concentrate extra hard for this mission. Shepard was surprised by his indecisiveness, but then dealing with Tali there were bound to be surprises. Shepard had a premonition that there would be a price to pay.

The mission started flawlessly. The shadow team successfully sabotaged any enemy military assets, while the STG teams stroke a blow to Saren's lab defense. For a start there was hope that the commander's worries were for nothing. The shadow team actually had enough time to sideline the mission by helping a salarian captive, provided mercy killings to any indoctrinated salarian, and found an intelligence goldmine about the Reaper, the secret of Saren's power.

This early advantage started to shift when Joker, the pilot of Normandy, informed his commander that the Saren's reinforcements had appeared on his LADAR. They came with the ship that attacked Eden Prime, a Reaper. Shepard needed to race his team on to bomb site. The shadow team passed corridor after corridor. They ran and shot ferociously, filling the space in every corridor they passed with hot bullets that could burst through metal like butter. Any geth or krogan that were in the way would became a sieve full of blood or geth fluid.

As the commander reached the bomb site and secured it, Shepard called the Normandy to deploy the demolition team. The Normandy hovered above Shepard's location and he hoped that Captain Kirahee's teams realized that the Normandy's roaring exhaust had already blown shadow's cover. Whatever Kirahee was doing, they needed to finish it quickly if this mission was going to succeed. Chief Williams walked down Normandy's ramp with her escort and the jury-rigged bomb. Shepard ordered them to hurry.

It was at this time that Shepard smelled trouble. Chief Williams informed him that she needed a lmore time to arm the nuclear bomb. Shepard felt his counterpart's incompetence. Kirahee never mentioned this, so a quick getaway was out of the question. The stealth mission that Shepard led became useless. Shepard had thought that Kirahee's plan was too hopeful to begin with, and then the trouble piled on. Alenko informed the Commander that Kirahee's teams were pinned down and needed help. This offensive mission had became a defensive one. The enemy now held the initiative and left Shepard furiously fuming.

Chef Williams assured her commander that she could defend her position and reminded Shepard that they still needed a plan to get out of Saren's lab. The commander agreed. The Normandy was a sitting duck if the last AA was still functional. He shifted Normandy's command temporarily to Chief Williams for defensive purposes and ordered her to bring the ship to get Kirahee and Shepard if the bomb had been armed and secured.

Shepard knew that to reach Captain Kirahee's location they would meet Saren's reinforcements, which were trying to regroup before attacking the bomb site. Shepard had a plan to disrupt this attempt. He picked out the path where Saren forces would have the most strategic advantage to attack the demolition team. Along the way, the team met a cluster of geth and krogan waiting for others and were easily dispatched.

Shepard concluded that this was the place where Saren's reinforcements would regroup before they attacked Chief William's position. The commander and his team placed portable mines at the meeting place and access points on the way through it. Shepard's plan was to distract Saren's reinforcements and buy time for Chief Williams to arm the nuke. This hasty job was followed by a race to the AA tower.

As the team proceeded to Captain Kirahee's location, Shepard could see a geth ship land on top of the bomb site. Shepard was surprised that there was no warning from Joker, and the commander wondered if the Normandy had been shot down. The rattled sound of Chief William's voice added his fear. She screamed through his communicator that the geth had swarmed the place. She also informed him that the nuke was already armed and in case the geth tried to sabotage the bomb's detonation by moving it elsewhere then she would stay and protected it.

The communication was cut short by Lieutenant Alenko. He was in front of the AA tower panel and had successfully hacked it. He had another alternative, however, and quickly abandoned the idea of trying to render the last AA tower useless. He decided to install a VI to attack the geth ship and cover the Normandy's attempt to load the survivors. He insisted that the commander should go back to the bombsite while he and his team of salarians held a defensive position. The commander would be able to help retreating Captain Kirahee's teams to evacuate to a safe place and rescue Chief Williams. He also assured the commander that the Normandy was still flying since he had visual contact and successfully communicated with the pilot. Joker was busy playing cat and mouse with the Reaper and geth ship, preventing the enemy from supporting their troops.

There were two choices that Shepard needed to make. He trusted both of his soldiers and believed that they would make the task at hand successful even at the cost of their lives. His priority was the success of the mission, and since Kirahee abandoned the mission and could not give orders anymore, the plan was now in Shepard's hands. It was a predicament that he had long ago grown acquainted with, scraping up the messes other commanders had left him with, which led to his reputation as an atrocious commander in the System's Alliance, as well as a fearful Spectre.

The commander thought that if he helped the lieutenant, and Chief Williams failed to defend the bomb, then there was no second chance for him to redo the mission. Saren's full force would attack the Citadel in only a short amount of time. If the commander helped Chief Williams and Alenko failed to cover their retreat, then Shepard knew that Saren had less strength with which too attack the Citadel.

Shepard was convinced that he should go to the bomb site to help Chief Williams and Captain Kirahee since Lieutenant Alenko, in all his might, was trying to cover their retreat. Shepard's team raced back to the bomb site, knowing well that he would leave him behind.

* * *

_Fifteen minutes later..._

On board the Normandy, many eyes watched a monitor that displayed a battle down below. Commander Shepard, Chief Williams, and Captain Kirahee were the closest to the terminal and watched the battle that Lieutenant Alenko and the salarian soldiers fought through Lieutenant's camera point of view. The viewers knew that nothing could help their compatriots and they had left them to their demise.

One by one Salarian soldier fall to the ground, as the geth marched in. Every attempt to hold the geth appeared useless as lines of geth soldier were trying to sweep the area. Every geth that they destroyed, the other came from behind. Then The time display on the monitor beeped, a sign that the nuke's countdown to detonation had started. Ten second from detonation.  
The observers saw that the fighting had stopped. The scream of war subsided, it replaced with a whimper. All the geth units in the area were powering down and Lieutenant Alenko stopped shooting. He seemed to know that his time was up. He sat down and took off the helmet. Now the observer could see Lieutenant face as he looked at the camera.

"Proud to serve you Commander... Chief, give them hell for me."

Chief Williams saluted him while holding back her tears. Captain Kirahee mumbled a sad prayer with a low voice. Commander Shepard just closed his eyes and glanced away. Then a bright flash inundated the monitor and the screen went static.

* * *

_Citadel, System Alliance's docking bays, the Normandy, a week later..._

Tali had a new habit that grew recently. Every time she walked to her destination on the Normandy, she always stopped and watched her captain from afar if she accidentally found him alone in contemplation. Shepard always looked at the stars as he stood nearby the window, either at Normandy's cockpit, ship's command deck, quarter deck, or engineering deck. Tali knew that Shepard was trying to avoid her. She also knew Shepard's favorite spot to watch the stars because that's where she found him, their conversations usually turning into an argument about her position on the ground team.

For her there was an invisible barrier that the commander erected, one that prevented her from getting close. Tali was afraid that what she had done already stressed Shepard more. Now she only talked to him while he was not watching the stars anymore. She was feeling guilty and wondered if she had pushed him too far, but there was another feeling that she really tried hard to hold back. She wanted to be near him and make him feel that he was not alone. She thought that he needed something like a warm blanket for his cold heart. She was in limbo. All she could do now was to watch him from afar in order to satisfy her need to care for the commander, doing her best not to disturb him. Tali felt it was like hell, but she knew it did not compare to Shepard's suffering.

Tali's recent habit was also present when she watched her commander mourn for Lieutenant Alenko. He was angry at the Council that sidelined him. Commander Shepard slammed, punched, and kicked at his locker. Every time Shepard hit something, Tali's heart tore up even more. She knew that her commander felt helpless right now and his attempt to endure it became more desperate, and she could not allay his problem even she wanted to. Even if she chose to comfort him she was afraid it would make Shepard's anguish even greater.

The Commander's wild rush stopped after Joker's announcement through Normandy's PA speaker that he was invited by Captain Anderson, for a meeting. Shepard acknowledged it and walked through the hallway where Tali stood. She watched him in her less intrusive spot near the ladder. Tali did not anticipate the situation, she could not even move, and she drew a blank of what to say about her reason for being there. On his way past, Shepard realized Tali was present.

"Tali? I assume you are heading for the infirmary?"

"Yes, Commander. I need some supplies of medigel..." Tali lied.

"Well then, I also have business to attend to."

"Wait, Commander! There is a gaping cut on your hands."

"It doesn't matter. It will dry itself."

"I don't think so. Let me take care of it! I still have my last packet of medigel."

Tali reached for Shepard's hand and started the treatment before Shepard said anything. While Tali was cleaning up Shepard's wound, she thought she needed to cheer him up.

"Commander, you will get through this. I believe you came out smelling like a rose even after this ordeal."

"I'm glad one of my crew still had spirit enough to fight." Shepard paused. "Tali, why do you always stay so cheerful after all you have been through?"

"I don't know... I'm just being me, or maybe..." Tali took a moment to think. "Maybe because if you always experience hardship you will appreciate the little things that make you happy. I thank my ancestors that I'm a quarian, still have my health, on the most advanced ship I know, and on your crew. Foolish isn't it? It sounds like I'm a free spirit or maybe even a masochist." Tali laughed lightly.

"No Tali, you are right. Despite what happen on Virmire and on Citadel... we temporarily hold Saren's advancement, most of my crew still is alive, I still have... you."

Tali was surprised by Shepard's response, and felt her heart flutter. For the first time Tali thought that Shepard really needed her, but this moment of joy was cut short by what Shepard said next.

"Tali, remember this if you go back to your people: don't change your attitude. Keep your spirit alive and always stay hopeful. Your future is bright. Don't became like me, a mean spirited man who doesn't even recognize himself anymore. A man that is already too far gone to be saved. Thanks Tali, these will do." Shepard let go his hand and went upstairs.

Tali's heart felt crushed by what she heard. Despite what Shepard said, she felt that she was a changed woman. She was mad at herself because she usually went to great lengths to follow her heart. Now she was just afraid of rejection and looking for justification for it. What Liara said was true. It was better to be rejected, but at least Shepard would know that someone was waiting for him. Tali had a new purpose. Before her pilgrimage was over she would confess her love. She would promise Shepard that she would not change and continue loving him, even she went back to the flotilla.


End file.
